Sunday, September 9, 2012

Hurt

I don't *like* putting my dirty laundry out there but I can't be normal and act like everything is ok. Everything is not ok. It's actually pretty messed up. I saw some texts exchanged between Josh and a girl (her name was Shiloh) on his phone. I called her and she hung up on me. I'm not going to lie, I slapped him hard. It felt good. I wish I could beat him. I think that would make me feel better. I normally don't check his phone or email or anything but I had a weird feeling. Just subtle changes and something didn't feel right. I knew in my gut but I didn't want it to be true. He's a good guy. I never would think he would be capable of hurting me this way. Not my Josh. He would not cheat and break my heart.

I wish I could unsee what I saw. Maybe then my heart would not be broken into pieces. I feel like I have been punched in my gut. I feel stupid, unwanted and furious. He's all "I love you, I love our family and you mean the world to me and I'm sorry." Blah, blah fucking blah.

I hope I can forgive him. I will never, ever forget though. I'm always going to wonder and worry. What if it happens again? Am I not good enough? Why?? I take care of the kids, our home, fold your clothes, cook your meals. I love with all my heart.

Part of me wants to hurt him back. To make him feel this pain I am feeling. Like my heart is ripped out. Is it possible to die from heartbreak?

I wish I could lay in bed with covers over my head and cry for days. The worst part is having to pretend to be ok for the kids. Tomorrow I go visit SG's new preschool and meet her teacher. How do I get up and face the day and go on when I am falling apart inside? I have to carry on even though I want to break down.

I will never be the same, we will never be the same. He ruined that. Please say a prayer for me, for my kids. Thank you.

24 comments:

  1. O my gosh, I am SO sorry. My heart hurts for you. I will be praying for some peace for you as you sort this situation out!

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  2. Oh sweet girl. I am thinking of you and hoping that you find the strength that you need to do what is right for you and your family. I am so sorry.

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  3. As I kept reading, I was trying to think of some words of encouragement that would ease your pain. All I can tell you is that you are a worthy person. A person who deserves to be loved whole-heartily. I know this ride will be bumpy but I'll be praying for God to show you the right path. Hang in there!

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    1. Thank you, Danielle. I really appreciate your sweet words.

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  4. Thinking about you sweet friend. Praying for you & your kids. Praying you can find the strength to be strong for them and do what is best for you and your family. Always remember that you are worthy! Never doubt that for a second!

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  5. I hate that you're going through this. I'll be praying for y'all! Don't settle for less than what you deserve!

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    1. Thank you, Laura. This is truly the hardest thing I've gone through. I appreciate the prayers!

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  6. As someone who has gone trough this, I'm sorry to say you will never forget. You are right in writing that. I also understand not wanting to go on. But you can do it, it'll be the hardest thing ever.
    BUT if you want to still e with him then you guys can figure it out. Everyone told me to go to couples counseling....we didn't, some days I wish we had, some days we are doing ok without.
    He will HAVE to understand that it's going to take FOREVER for you to let your guard down, to trust him, to open up. It happened to me while pregnant, now we are talking about baby #2 And that experience is all I can think about. It's terrifying.
    I hated reading this and my heart breaks for you. Do what's best for you and your kids!! You can get through this day by day, hour by hour. Just know your not alone.Saying prayers for you too!

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  7. Praying for you and your kids. All I can say is let go and let God have control of this situation.

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  8. Praying for you and your family. I can't imagine what you are going through and hate to see anyone in so much pain. I hope you come out better and stronger in the other side of all this!

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  9. Oh my beautiful, sweet, wonderful Catie. My stomach sank as I read this and I am sending fast & furious prayers your way.

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  10. Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. My husband and I went through something similar to this. He never actually cheated, but he did and said somethings that a husband should not say to another woman. The crazy thing about it all, is I thought I would never get over it. The amazing thing is it made us 100 times stronger. I let go of the past and focused on our future. Now our marriage has never been better, I have forgiven(not forgotten). I don't know what your plan is, but I trusted my heart and knew that he had made a mistake. I don't take any blame or blame anything else except his extreme lack of good judgement. Anyway we were able to work through it, and I am so glad we did. Our love and marriage is now what I always dreamed about. Take care, and know that it will get easier and it can be fixed.

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    1. That is good to hear. I do love him and I hope we can get past this. I'm honestly just scared. Scared that if i will get hurt again b/c I know I can't live through this again. I hope we can come out stronger and closer after all this drama.

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    2. I was scared too, and I thought about leaving. But truthfully I don't think I was strong enough too, maybe it was God not giving me the strength because he wanted me to stay. I totally agree though, once is more than enough, I definitely couldn't do it again, but I truly don't think I will need too. Praying for you for clarity in dealing with this situation in the best way for you and the kids

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    3. Thank you! I have definitely been doing a lot of praying. I am so glad that things worked out for you and I hope that they will for me also.

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  12. Catie - my heart is hurting for you friend. I have been through this and am actually going through it again right now. You will get through this, you will. And my inbox is always open (ashleykrieger@gmail.com). Prayers for you! XO

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    1. Awww, thank you Ashley! I really appreciate it and sending prayers your way as well!

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  13. I've sooo been there. That's exactly how I found out that my ex-husband was cheating on me. I had a gut feeling but kept ignoring it until I saw some e-mails they had exchanged and then finally I listened to a message on his voice mail that she had left for him.

    I totally understand how you're feeling. It's normal to feel angry. I hope your husband realizes how much he's hurt you and that you can work through it until you get to a point where you can trust him completely again.

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

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